The catharsis of Part 16

The dream was about the man who invented monopoly. Played by Morgan Freeman. He told the story of inventing the game as a young boy in his lounge room. He became known as BAR123. [it was a dream, I don't know what that means] He built a nationwide society of players, an underground game, until finally he sold the rights for a pittance. Monopoly went on to become huge, and he was forever embarrassed by its success. People would whisper behind his back, and would travel for miles to tournaments to play with him, so that they might laugh at his failure. Eventually, having secured himself as the all time champion, he retired to a jetty by the bay and began to attend detective school.

I don't understand it either.

********

It is six am and the hotel is cold and dark and empty.

There is a girl in my head, a long forgotten girl, a girl I once knew. I'll tell you the story.

A long time ago I went out with this girl. It was a desperately intense Love. Deep and frightening. I looked at her and saw Venus herself. However, we were both broken and raw, smashed by life and messy inside and out. We had serious problems, she would battle the temptation of men who found her beautiful, while I would battle the demon Drink. We would fight incessantly. I would grow jealous and drink, which would in turn, lead my Love astray, wishing to escape me.

One day she finally broke, and opened her heart to me. Told me her darkest secrets, and I held her close and together we cried and found true love. She began to grow, from that day forth. She began to blossom.

I was out of work and began to secretly fight my inner depression, my sense of worthlessness. I would try and fight the urge to drink, the craving for easy release and complete numbness. I kept failing. I would last three weeks and seem to find my way out, only to falter if I grew complacent, and all my good work would disappear in a night. Leaving a bitter taste.

I could sense her impatience, and it frightened me. I could see my Venus tapping her foot and beginning to glance from side to side. A new boy arrived in town, I grew nervous, but she stayed by my side.

Finally, I found work, and smiling began to see a brighter future, grew in stature, felt as though my demons grew weaker, the taste for alcohol grew further away. I began to become a man, well, a little man...I'm proud of you, she said. And I of you, I replied. I love you. And I you.

And then, she left. I'm sorry, Venus said, it's too late, it's not enough. Goodbye.

And I never saw her again.

And tonight, she haunts me.

********

Never work for another, I mean, inside. For you can never meet the expectations of anyone but yourself. I've been awake all night going through some things in my head, and I've come to realise that though some may look down upon me, others might see me in a more positive light.

The reason this blog has been so damn fucking serious is because I've been going through a really intense internal battle now for so long I can't even remember my life before it began.

And an hour ago I lay in my bed, and I was really fucking down about it. Really bone fucking tired of having to THINK. To fight.

And then out of the blue, catharsis. Zen. Just, relax. Just let whatever fucking happens, happen. And you might lose some battles, and you might even lose some Loves along the way, and sometimes you're going to have a really fucking crap day, week, month. But pretty soon, you'll be on the road, or holding someone's hand, or eating amazing food, or laughing out loud [guffawing...I like the word...] and this moment right here, right now, will be long gone.

I'm in love with the girl from that story. I even wrote to her tonight, out of the blue, two emails. One way tickets. Time hasn't changed that, and it may never. But there are a thousand loves and a thousand lives to live, and I'm really, really fucking glad that I decided to stay and watch the sun come up.

Because with it came a new day. And I am reborn. For the millionth fucking time. Hahaha.

Hi.

Welcome to the next day in the rest of our lives.

x